(Wearing one of Dawn O’Porter’s skirts from her BOB Range in LA the other week. You can find her collection here www.bobbydop.com)
I’ve learnt something new about myself these past few months. Something new to my awareness, but an age old habit that has probably been around for about 15 years. It was only until a recent conversation with my boss that I discovered I’m quite appalling at giving the right message to a man I might like.
I was having my usual, ‘You know what? I seem to have more faith in single men outside the church than inside the church’ chat. That verbal processing where you recite the men in your life that you can trust, are solid, comfortable with themselves, can manage emotions, are not controlling/condependant/stalkerish – yet they are unbelievers so you find yourself trapped in this ‘unequally-yoked’ carousel. You know – that conversation.
‘Do you like anyone?’ My boss asked as we’re riding in my car to lunch.
‘Well there’s this one guy.’ I spin the car wheel around the corner as if I’m Button.
‘Have you talked to him about it?’
‘Well last time we talked I was asking who he was interested in and what was his type, so I can find someone for him and set him up.’
‘That’s an appalling way of showing a man you like them.’
‘I don’t think I’m his type.’
‘Well even if you were, he won’t be assuming you’re his, you idiot. Is this how you flirt?’
‘You want to know why I do it?’
‘Because any slightly decent looking guy in the community, who has any type of ‘following’ from girls (don’t forget the ratio of men to women in the church), assumes every girl likes him. And I don’t want to be another ‘follower’. So I obtain my information by seeing what they appeal to, and then feign a non-interest, by suggesting people or asking more questions about age, personality, hair colour – you know that sort of thing.’
‘How’s that working out for you?’
‘Yeah….You see what’s even more confusing is – that I actually mean to set up some guys with others on occasion, and on others, I’m routing for the info to make my own decisions. So it’s not like anyone can see through my intuitive thinking. Or should I say manipulative thinking.’
‘Definitely manipulative. I have a guy I could hook you up with?’
‘Oh yeah? Handsome?’
Boss smiles, an awkward smile, without uttering a word.
‘Oh no he’s not is he?’
‘But he’ll treat you real nice? He’ll be nicer than the others? Because he’ll not believe his luck when he gets to date someone like you.’
‘Oh no, no. You see, there needs to be a pull, a form of attraction. My purity plan has to have some battle in it somewhere. I don’t want it to be easy an easy ride (no pun intended) whilst I date him. I need tension. I need to actually want to do things with him, yet resist until appropriate, other than a round of Uno and/or Cards Against Humanity.’
Despite the hilarity of conversations I have with my mentors, I did feel a pang of conviction come over me, realising my sincerity hadn’t been all in tact.
So if you’re out there, reading this. I may or may not have fancied you when attempting to set you up with someone. My desire for discovering your heart was covered with too much of my fear of being the same as everyone else.
Whether I liked you or not, you’ll never know, but from this day on, my ability to give off the right message, has never been more intentional than it has been right now.
Bravado in such an area doesn’t help anyone see the real you, performance is pretty ugly when it comes to Lady Wisdom. The same applies to when you have a need in a relationship, but you make out ‘it doesn’t matter’. When he’s been out of touch for days on end, but you cover the fact that your love language is quality time, or quality conversation, that his lack of communication is neither here nor there, it may avoid confrontation for you, but inside your heart isn’t feeling heard at all.
And so that’s what this is, the realization that you do matter, that your heart does have a voice, and whether that’s voicing a feeling to someone you like, or airing a need to a man or even girlfriend, who may be walking all over you, it’s indicative to your self value, if you give your heart, your needs, your soul a platform to express itself.
Only time will tell, and if you’re not sure whether you’re being true to you, good friends and mentors will highlight it to you some day soon.
If we never let those we might like see the real us, they’ll never get to love the real you.