Author: Christianna Burkee
Oh the times when I was too worried about hurting someone’s feelings rather than the affect my dishonesty potentially had on someone.
Times where my own insecurity of hurting someone weighed more important than simply delivering my honest opinion. Times that I agreed to go on dates I actually wasn’t interested in. Times I even (forgive me world) avoided a person at all costs because I was just too afraid of saying “no”.
No one looks forward to rejection. No one looks forward to being rejected. We are all humans with functioning hearts and a desire to be loved, pursued and cherished. But somehow, that three-syllable word shimmied its way into first place, towering over the many gorgeous characteristics of dating…So thus, we must deal, and thus, we must deal politely… because after-all, it is someone’s heart that’s on the table here, and that includes your own.
Daters, we can’t keep giving people our time and presence if all it’s doing is leading someone on. We can’t keep saying yes when we mean no, and we certainly can’t keep agreeing to things that we don’t have an interest for.
It’s time we demystify the dating game. And my friends, it starts with rejection.
FOR THE REJECT-OR:
- BE HONEST, CONCISE AND DIRECT:
You aren’t doing anyone favors by withholding honesty, including yourself. Your inability to be honest and tell the truth about how you feel, robs the person in front of you from the ability to trust relationships, or trust their heart with people in general. It robs them of the opportunity to grow in intimacy, and teaches them that when they share their heart, they won’t be responded to with a posture of truthfulness.
“I’m flattered you asked! I’m not interested…but thank you!” and consider it done. Kapeesh? Don’t leave or create any space to question. If you think about it, they came to you looking for a one word answer. Help them out by giving them what they came for.
- THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK:
It’s all about perspective. When you zoom out of your seemingly uncomfortable circumstance, and gain a wider gaze on the event, you’ll find that what you do in that moment is highly impactful for not only yourself, but for the culture of dating as well. Your simple “no thank you” sets the stage for the level of approachability and security one can expect from the act of “asking out”. It creates an environment of either safety or fear. You have one opportunity to show someone who you are; one chance to convey your character. Take a deep breath, take a step back, and think about what you feel in that moment before you speak upon your reaction. “Respond, not react” is the key to a successful rejection.
- DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, USE A BACK OUT CLAUSE:
We’ve all heard it said before… “I just don’t feel the Lord on it”, “ I don’t feel peace”, “I need to learn to love me first” etc…
Darling, just be honest! You think you’re saving yourself from being a let down to someone by fluffing up your “no”, when in reality you’re adding fuel to the fire in an attempt to protect someone’s feelings. You can add all the bells and whistles you want to the matter…but sweetie, it’s still a rejection. Save us all the time and stress by just saying “no”.
- BE POWERFUL:
There is a way to be polite, yet deliver your opinion with the other’s heart in mind, and in that territory is where a true powerful person can be found. A powerful person is able to hold their composure even in the times of sharing tough love with someone. Standing in confidence of their opinions, with the ability to share their sentiments without making someone feel less than, shameful, embarrassed or unheard. A powerful person leaves the asker feeling secure about themselves, certain about your intentions, and still confident in the act of pursuit.
FOR THE REJECT-EE
- YOU WANT TO BE REJECTED:
Despite how you may feel right now, rejection is actually beneficial for you. If rejection didn’t exist, we’d have a muddled cornucopia of relationships, and no happy ending. We’d have celebrities dating their fan-base, and an innumerable amount of broken boundaries. At the end of the day lovely, you want rejection because you want dating to only work out with one person. Otherwise marriage wouldn’t exist, and there’d be a lot less rom-coms…what a fright.
- DO NOT INTERNALIZE:
Rejection is simply honesty parading around as terror. When you internalize your “no”, you shut down what really was there for your benefit. Respect the fact that someone gave you their honesty in exchange for your vulnerability. Be grateful for your “no”. Don’t allow it to fester or feed your mind with thoughts that aren’t true to who you are. You can’t afford to do that to yourself, and we can’t afford the affect it has on the culture of dating. We need a group people who understand the significance of self-worth and love far more than a group of people who allow fear and doubt to be the maestros to their minds.
- KNOW YOUR WORTH:
You wouldn’t be afraid of being rejected if you had an understanding of how much you are worth. The only reason we feel shame or unworthiness after a shutdown, isn’t necessarily because of the “no” we’ve received, but because of the insecurities within ourselves that we have yet to deal with. Fear of rejection is our own misunderstanding of our identity. It has nothing to do with being rejected, and everything to do with not being enough. Your inability to be confident in yourself robs the reject-or of the opportunity to be powerful and honest, because now, they are worried about your heart, when in fact, the only heart they should and can be worried about is their own. Once you understand that you are a catch, and that you are someone who is worth the love and time of another, it won’t matter what you say or do because you’re being yourself and if someone isn’t into it…c’est la vie.
- DON’T LOSE HOPE:
Sweetheart, don’t ever lose hope or disqualify yourself for trying! Applaud yourself for going after love and taking the risk. The pursuit of love requires risk, and the world needs radical risk takers who are fearless and confident…Chasers of love who aren’t afraid of being turned down once or thrice, because they understand the cost worth paying for love.
Don’t you dare ever stop chasing love.
Don’t you dare ever let rejection take first place again.
Rejection is not something to feared, but rather embraced.
Because when we embrace rejection, we embrace true love.
Because true love invites rejection, knowing very well that it may be turned down.
And the ever so shy beauty that lies beneath those words is that alongside rejection is a glorious thing called acceptance.
You can never be loved without the risk of being rejected.
They don’t go hand in hand, but they do coincide.
So darling, pick yourself up and try try again. I promise, there will come a day when you’ll be glad that you did.