How much ‘give’ should you give your relationship? How much should you give of yourself before you have given yourself away? It’s so easy to get carried away with love throwing yourself at the arms of fate and destiny and screaming from the roof tops I don’t care what happens as right now I feel alive and wanted and happy and… now I feel lost.
A year into our whirlwind romance it’s like I have awoken from a beautiful dream to realise that: I don’t know where I am, who I am or what I want. I blame love. As the only reason after a tearful evening of overly hormonal period tears I realised that I was sat where I was sat due to the love I had for a man but sadly not due to the love I have for myself.
When I look back it would seem that I have been fully addicted to falling in love my entire life. I love loving other people. I love loving others so much that I leave no love left for myself. So I ask the question: “if I don’t love myself then is the love I give real? Or is it the kind of love that loves in order to get love back?” The epiphany here is that I give all of myself in order to love myself from the outside through external love. And if that external love doesn’t come how I have decided it should then not only do I not feel love for myself, I don’t receive love from others and ultimately isolate myself from everyone. As I am placing a demand and judgement on the love I give and the love I expect.
I ask you this? How does someone learn to love themselves? Is it from your parents? Do you learn as a child? Or is this painful and confusing self-analytical process I am going through a rite of passage that no one told me about? I need help.
When I look inside at the truth behind what I feel for myself and I sit quietly to listen to my mind talk I hear things that I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy. It would appear I have given the power of my love to others and it is the reflection in their faces, feelings, thoughts and ideas have shaped the brutal assumptions about myself. And who could love a person like that? Sadly not me.
I am angry for the years I have given away in loving others and fearing the risk of loving myself and being true to my heart. I have given, given, given from every possible aspect that I can. So now if you asked me, “What would you love, Kitty?” I would say instinctively, “What you would love?” This is my big lesson, my biggest yet: to think about me, to value myself, to love who I am and take the power back. I want my life back and I want to live my life as me.
At twenty-seven I have opened my eyes to my heart and I feel so deeply sorry for what I see. The raw hurt and pain is for letting myself down.
My relationship with love and me is this. I am deciding to forgive myself, today being the end of a season and tomorrow being a new day, a whole opportunity for rebirth and rediscovery. My 2014 resolution is to start a new relationship with myself one filled with love, kindness, freedom and respect. I am going to nurture my inner human being and allow my tired and sad heart to pick herself up and be proud.
I am going to apologise to myself for the years of horror, harsh remarks, unfair demands and cutting judgements as they are no longer allowed anymore. Today I am making a public stand to allow the love in my heart to love me first and allow the real me to have the space she needs to breathe. Whatever that looks like I am going to be ok with it as I don’t want to cry anymore about the uncertainty of who I am or feel unloved and alone. I am enough and I matter and even if I am physically alone I will be just fine… Thank you.