I’m going to get this great big clangor out of the way. Forthwith must I embrace this giant debate and allow every reader, including myself, to have a difference in opinion. I refuse to judge others, for I learn from their own journeys as much as my own. So please understand what I’m about to share is a vulnerable part of my life but I’m willing to open this up for the sake of other people out there struggling with this concept.
I have not been completely sexually pure all my life. I’ll say that first. Despite being a Christian for most of it, I’ve had my relationships and ‘I’ve dallied too far’. Once when I was not a Christian. But either way. This was part of my learning.
In Kris Vallotton’s book the Moral Revolution the opening part states:
“Christianity and the church has often presented sex and sexuality as something that is bad and that somehow God is against this. The church at one time called sex a necessary evil for procreation.
This is the furthest idea away from God’s heart and truth.”
Throughout school and university I kept to my wish of ‘saving myself’ for the man I’d marry. I was teased, bullied – but if anything, it was the greatest man tester; an agility test to see who was worth fancying, filtering out the boys who had no substance. Afterall, how many jokes can they really make with their doo daa? Not many. I wanted a man with a brain and someone who wouldn’t spend his afternoon teasing me about my belief in Christ: Christ – the man who sweated blood for me. What had this guy done today so far? Other than buy me a Bacardi Breezer and hope that he’d get laid. Good one kid, good one. I might believe in a story that you believe to be a fairy tale, but I’m not an idiot.
Some people can put their sexual adventures down to a bit of fun and laugh it off. But there’s something so vulnerable and beautiful about it that I was disappointed I had given in to giving it up by the time I was 23 with a man I thought I’d marry (there’s been three people I thought about marrying) I was sexual with 2 of them. I wasn’t surrounded by many Christians, the culture I was shaped in was beginning to take it’s toll and I struggled to remember why I was doing this. Why was I saving myself. Because so far I hadn’t found that man, maybe he was never going to come my way? I buckled, I enjoyed it at the time, and I must say that to not emasculate the men involved here, but I felt I’d spent what I was trying to fight sweat and tears over. It was after the relationships didn’t work that my mind began to change on all of this.
Sex might be fun, but it’s not the answer to everything. It doesn’t bring you love, and it doesn’t bring commitment, it doesn’t make you feel safe, despite how on fire you might be during it. It can build connections, but those connections can fade when everything else in the relationship doesn’t work.
I’ve chosen not to regret my sexual past because having placed the importance on marriage and sex for so much of this, I could have married the wrong people a couple of times, because I felt tied to them for my sexual activity with them. Having laid to rest that whole adventure between me and God – it’s for no one else to judge me. But how often are we really this honest? This bare about our past? I think we have to be in order to find answers sometimes. I’ve seen a few female leaders speak honestly about their experience and how they processed it and it was so refreshing for people, including myself, to hear.
Visiting Bethel recently I was surrounded by an entire culture of this moral revolution. I’ll go into their dating process soon – but what came out of it, when the sex was no longer an option until marriage, they processed everything in a relationship, managing to not get distracted by the sexy time. They worked through the problems without taking their clothes off. Or perhaps they didn’t work out the problems and realized they shouldn’t be together, but at least they felt they had seen the signs before getting so in the deep on every level that the pain of separation didn’t become torturous.
There’s something monumentally valuable about fighting for something, fighting against your own lustful desires (oh Jared Leto why must you look at me like you do?) and have that opportunity on your wedding day to say – I saved this for you, I value you enough to do this for you. You were completely and utterly worth it.
And here’s the line that validated my desires for the last few years to wait for marriage:
Anyone can give away something expensive, but only those who understand sacrifice can give away something valuable. – Kris Vallotton
I’m willing to hold out now….because I think the caliber of man for me, might just be that little bit more awesome.
I get so excited on wedding nights when my friends have saved themselves for the big one (no pun intended). In fact we were praying for a girlfriend the other week who was getting ready for her wedding. ‘Is there anything in particular you’d like us to pray for?’ ‘Just the fact that I get to do it…’ (huge smile on her face) She was met by a round of applause.
It might sound monumentally dull to not get sexy time with your partner until marriage, but actually I’m learning after my years of abstaining and at times not abstaining, that all this is about, is freedom.
Discipline needn’t be this drudgery bore that makes everything else seem so exciting. No. I’ve done both sides and I know what comes with both sides. Discipline and saving with a touch of patience, is becoming my freedom. I’m about to talk about the Hotel Host and in part 2 – you’ll see my inner lustful battle and how I handled it 😉
It might not be the perfect solution for everyone. But thousands are wanting to join Kris Vallotton’s moral revolution. Perhaps they’ve come from the same place as I have – perhaps not. Either way – one thing I do know watching from within these circles – people get far less hurt this way. Despite me being about breaking boundaries and being fearless, there’s never an excuse to hurt each other.
Their hearts are protected and women especially are honored in a way they should always have been.
This isn’t about rigidity, control, fear of intimacy or vulnerability. This is about trying to win back something so stunningly awesome, that I refuse to give this to any guy that comes my way. No matter how fabulous the six pack…..